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I dont know anymore.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
This entry you're reading now, is what i've been trying to type for the past.. few hours?I've been typing, and backspacing, typing and backspacing at nothing. All cuz i do not know what to type, or say. Yes, because i cant orientate myself. Not now. Not yet. Still. I have been trying to force something, anything, out of my mind to type out here, but it has been as blank as it was, when i first got to know the news, of you wanting/needing to go overseas for a long, long period of time. Its so, so sudden. Too sudden. I want to cry, i want to shout, i want to scream till my lungs burst, and till my heart explodes. I WANT TO. But it won't change a thing. And i can't. I can't, cuz i can't orientate myself. I can't register it. Not after so much has happened. Not after so much i've been through, WE'VE been through. Not after everything. I still can't. I hate myself for being such a wuss. I know this is something that was waiting to happen.. even though you re-assured me time and time again, that there would be other ways to go about gettin it done. I, too, believed that Nothing is ever a dead end as long as one never stops trying.. But i no longer believe in that. I can't bear another heartache. It hurts really, really bad. So bad that i cannot find any word, anything that can describe the pain, the unwillingness, the fear of having to part ways with you, to be far from you, everything. I wish i could stop loving you right now. Not because i don't want to. Because, Then I wouldn't have to feel so sad and terrible, and you wouldn't have to feel bad for having to do this too. I just wish Life was a little kinder. And fate, too. |
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